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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23361076">presumably dead arm</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pekoyamas/pseuds/pekoyamas'>pekoyamas</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Killing Game (Dangan Ronpa), Break Up, Experimental Style, F/M, Relationship Issues, a little bit angsty, this is obnoxiously lower-case</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:35:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,529</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23361076</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pekoyamas/pseuds/pekoyamas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>they meet at a party. he stands in the corner, nursing a drink forced into his hand, when she slides up beside him. she’s gorgeous.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akamatsu Kaede/Saihara Shuichi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>presumably dead arm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi it is called presumably dead arm because when i was writing this i listened to it on repeat please listen to presumably dead arm by sidney gish</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>they meet at a party. he stands in the corner, nursing a drink forced into his hand, when she slides up beside him. she thrusts her hand right in front of his face, and when he looks up he sees a bright grin framed by long blonde hair. she’s gorgeous. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i’m kaede akamatsu!”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i- uh- i’m shuichi saihara.” he takes her hand and shakes it tentatively, and she giggles. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i take it this isn’t quite your scene?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“oh, no...” he laughs, cheeks flushed and eyes averted. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“why’d you come then?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“my friend dragged me here, he said he wouldn’t leave me alone, but um... well...” she laughs and it’s harmonious and he is smitten immediately. his face is on fire. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i don’t really know anyone here, and i figured since we were in the same boat in a way, i would come up and say hi!” her hair bounces as she speaks, full of energy and confidence yet such a comforting tone. ‘wow....’ he thinks.</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“ah, i see...” </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“so! what do you do for fun, shuichi?” </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>they kiss for the first time in his dorm room.  after the party, they exchanged numbers and she texted him almost immediately about how much of a good time she had. since then, they’ve been talking nonstop. his room is neat except for his never-made bed and it has almost no personality at all. not at all like kaede, who has lovely fairy lights and posters and photos of friends. they kiss and it is magic to him, really, it is. it’s his first kiss, and it is not very good, skill wise. but be that as it may, he can almost see the sparks flying. ‘wow,’ he thinks, ‘i don’t deserve her.’</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>they spend all their time together and her friends take photos of them and ‘aww’ about how cute they are and oh my god shuichi you have a girlfriend now she’s so cute i can’t believe it congrats man it’s about time we were all starting to worry you were gay i mean not worry but like think oh well it doesn’t matter now because you’re totally banging that girl congrats again dude hahaha. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>he hates it. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>being with kaede, alone, makes him happy. he doesn’t understand why they have to go out on dates and hang out with her friends. he just wants to stay home and maybe read a book next to each other and not ever see anyone. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>they have been dating for 3 months when they get into their first fight. it’s kaede’s classmates birthday and shuichi doesn’t want to go. “cmon, shuichi, it’s just one party! if not for her, do it for me?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i just don’t feel like it, kaede.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i don’t understand why you can’t just do this for me-“</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“because i don’t want to hang out with your friends! they aren’t my friends, kaede! i don’t even like talking to people i care about most of the time-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“does that include me, shuichi?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“what?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“do you think i’m annoying? overbearing? too much?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“no, that’s not what i’m saying at all, kaede. just listen to me!”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“you listen to me, shuichi. all i’m asking you is to please come with me to my friends birthday party and all you’re saying is that you hate spending time with me so much that you would rather stay in your room alone.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“no, that’s not what i’m saying at all!”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“then maybe you should start to consider other people’s point of views instead of complaining when i ask you for a single thing. do you know how many things i’ve skipped because i knew you didn’t want to go? i haven’t seen my friends in ages because i want to spend time with you! i’m asking you for just this one little thing! i know you feel awkward, but you have to grow up! you’re so- you’re selfish, shuichi. you’re being self-centred and i care about you but i am not going to skip my friends birthday because you ‘don’t feel like going’.“ </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“kaede!” he yells after her, but she is gone. oh well. at least he doesn’t have to go to the stupid party. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>she texts him an apology later, and he apologises too, and they don’t say anything about the matter past that. things have changed, though. it’s just not the same. her smiles seem more strained and appear less often and it doesn’t happen until 4 weeks 3 days and 21 hours later that he knocks on her door to ask about the homework he doesn’t quite understand and she opens it but she is crying and he is in shock. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“kaede! are- are you okay?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“yeah, yeah,” she says, wiping at her eyes with the backs of her hands. “sorry. what’s up?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i just... i just wanted to see you.” </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“really?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“yeah, of course! do you think i don’t like you, kaede?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“well we’re definitely not the perfect couple, shuichi.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i know, kaede, and i’m so really incredibly very sorry.” she lets out a choked laugh and reaches out to grab his face. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“let’s not ever fight again, ok, shuichi?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“yes, ok.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“promise?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“promise.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>she kisses him and he kisses her back and they are at peace and in sync again. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>it lasts a little longer this time. it’s not until many months later when it’s kaede’s birthday. he says happy birthday and buys her a present that she loves but, of course, there is an expectation that he will go to the birthday party her friends have planned. he would much rather not do this, and it does not go unnoticed as he sits in silence while kaede buzzes around conversing with everyone. a friend of hers tries to strike up a conversation with him, but it does not work well as responds with one word answers and noncommittal grunts. he’s just tired, really, and he feels bad for being rude but he is just not in a state to give a fuck. he can almost hear the rumours flying around the room, asking why this emo boy is sitting by himself and oh my god that’s her boyfriend? but he’s so...  ugh! i do not see what she sees in him, but maybe he has a really good... well... you know.... and then they all burst into laughter and he just wants to go home but he can’t because it’s fucking kaede’s birthday and she’ll be upset even though she’s not talking to him at all. after the novelty cake gets cut he pretends to take a call and tells kaede that he has to go now and he’s so sorry but he’ll call her later, yeah? he kisses her cheek and says happy birthday one more time and as soon as he leaves he is relieved, holy shit, he feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off his shoulders. he goes home and falls asleep to an unread text from kaede that tells him she’s really upset. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>it is the morning after, and shuichi opens his phone to several messages from several different people, all with pretty much the same core idea: ‘you’re an asshole’. he rings kaede’s phone and she picks up and all he can manage to choke out is “i’m sorry.” before he starts crying. he doesn’t know why he’s crying, it doesn’t make sense, but he feels so guilty now and all he can do is repeat the words “i’m sorry.” over and over and over again. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“shuichi, i-“ she sighs. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i’m so sorry i really, really am.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“it’s okay, shuichi. i just- i don’t know. i guess it was unfair of me to expect so much of you.” they sit in silence for a few seconds. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“you broke our promise, shuichi.” she laughs, but it sounds forced. he laughs too, but it is out of the expectation that he will make light of the situation so that they can move forward. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i am sorry, kaede. i hope you had a good party despite me.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i-“ she stops herself abruptly. “ok, i gotta go now. bye.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“bye.” he says, but she has already hung up. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>shuichi tries harder now. he tries harder to be nice, to talk instead of just listening, he goes to kaede’s friends parties with her and she gets drunk and makes out with him at every single one. she laughs giddily and he feels butterflies in his stomach. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i love you.” he says.</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“w-what? shuichi, i... what?” </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i- i love you?” </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“shuichi, i... i love you too...?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>she leans forward to kiss him and he kisses back but now he is filled with doubt. do they love each other? or is she just saying it out of obligation? </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>he goes back to his room and she follows him and they make out on his bed. they fall asleep, limbs tangled together, but shuichi does not feel validated. he is scared. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>it’s their 9 month anniversary and shuichi takes her out to dinner. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“kaede, i was wondering if maybe-“</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“shuichi, i wanted to ask you-“ they both stop talking and laugh quietly. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“you first, kaede.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“should we... you know...” shuichi’s face heats up. “meet each other’s family’s?” </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“oh! yes, i think so...”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“you sound surprised? what did you think i was gonna say?” he laughs awkwardly. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“well, i thought it was going to be that, but then you said ‘you know...’ and i panicked.” she laughs at him, and he laughs at himself, looking down to scan the menu. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“so, is that a yes?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“for sure, kaede.” she leans out to cover his hand with her own. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i know that this kind of stuff is scary for you, so i want you to know that i really appreciate your efforts.” he blushes, again, and doesn’t know what to say. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i love you, kaede. i’ll always make an effort for you.” is what he settles on. she looks away, and squeezes his hand. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i... i lo-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“you don’t have to say it, kaede.” her face shoots up to make eye contact with him. he can see her red face and nervous expression. “it’s okay.” </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i’m sorry, shuichi, i just-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“it’s fine.” he states with an air of finality. a waiter comes over and they order and converse but it is just not the same. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>they have been dating for 9 months and shuichi just wants to feel loved. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“kaede, are you happy?” they are in her dorm, and she is preparing her laptop so they can watch movies together until they fall asleep. her hair is in a high ponytail and her gorgeous face is contorted into an expression of confusion. she laughs. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“what do you mean, my dear shuichi?” she speaks in a horrible british accent and he laughs quietly until they are both laughing loudly. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i mean... do you want to do this, kaede?” </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“do what, shuichi?” she speaks with a mocking air. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“be here. with me.” she leans forward to stroke his hair. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“of course, shuichi.” </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“ok.” he says. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“do you not believe me?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“that’s not what i’m saying.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“it sounds like you don’t believe me! why don’t you believe me? is it... oh. it’s because of that, isn’t it?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“because of what?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“because i can’t say that i...”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“love me?” she hesitates. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“yeah.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“well... yeah. you can’t even say it in reference.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i... care about you, shuichi.” </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i love you, kaede.” he stares into her eyes and she feels exposed and vulnerable and she hates it.</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“yeah, me too!” she says, turning back around to turn on her laptop and open netflix. “so, what do you wanna watch?” </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“kaede.” she turns around and he sees her face and it is red and she is crying and her hands are shaking. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i’m sorry, shuichi, i just... i can’t say it.” he holds her close. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“it’s okay, kaede.” he whispers calmly. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“no, it’s not! you think i don’t care about you</span>
</p><p>
  <span>because i can’t just FUCKING say three words!” </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“kaede, it’s okay. i’m sorry for bringing it up.”</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>it’s may, and shuichi is heading home for his uncles birthday. he was going to bring kaede, but decided it might just be better to not. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>his uncle asks when he’ll get to meet her. shuichi laughs awkwardly. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“soon.” he says, hesitantly.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>it’s been almost a year now. shuichi can’t believe it. it seems like only yesterday he was at a party he didn’t want to be at when she graced him with her presence. he treasures her. he is grateful every day for her existence in his life. he loves her. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>he questions their relationship. he knows he loves her, but he doesn’t think she loves him. it’s not fair. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“do you love me, kaede?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i... don’t know.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“that’s not a good enough answer.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“why do you have to keep asking me? why can’t you just be happy!” </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i am happy! i love you, kaede! but you don’t love me back! we’ve been together for almost a year now, and i know you might think saying it so soon is weird, but i just don’t know if you have the capacity to ever love me.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“what?” her voice cracks. her eyes are watery. but he can’t stop. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“i don’t think you can ever love me, kaede. i think this is as good as it gets. so if you don’t love me now, just say it. i’m not gonna be in a relationship where i give 100% and you just... don’t. so, kaede. here’s the million dollar question. do you love me?” </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>she’s bawling now. she’s crying a river of tears but he needs to know, he does, it’s not fair. </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“answer me!”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“no!” she cries. “no, i don’t, i can’t! i care about you so, so, so much shuichi. please don’t do this to me! just because i don’t love you right now doesn’t mean that i can’t in the future, i just have a lot going on right now and i’m so very sorry.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>“you can’t control your feelings, kaede, it’s not your fault. and i know it hurts, because trust me, my heart is broken right now. i’ll always love you, kaede, but i can’t do this. i think... maybe we’re just better off as friends.  i don’t know. i just... i can’t be your boyfriend if you don’t care about me as much as i care about you. you get that, right? ok. bye, kaede.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>he’s single now. wow. he can’t believe it. he goes back to his room and cries for days. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>kaede calls him but he doesn’t answer. she texts him and he can only read the notification before he starts crying again. they’re both in pain, he knows, but it’s for the best. they don’t make each other happy enough to stay together forever.</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p>
  <span>over time, maybe they can be friends again. but not right now. they have to grow as people, reach a new level of maturity, because not every relationship is meant to last. these things happen. they will grow up and move on and that’s life and it’s okay because even if it hurts now you’ll get over it eventually. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so, there you go! i wanted to experiment with my writing a bit, and i think that saimatsu’s relationship is... well... interesting, to say the least. sorry if the characters were a bit too ooc 😅</p><p>check me out on tumblr @jeevash !</p></blockquote></div></div>
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